In anticipation of a new reader, I started re-reading my old posts from the beginning, as a reminder of the girl I once was. I guess I haven't changed that much over the years. I'm still a little sarcastic, a little self-deprecating, a lot introspective. I found a post that reminded me that it might be easier for me to express myself through the written word rather than a verbal conversation. So here we go:
I've been told recently that it's not easy to get to know me. That would normally surprise me, but not in this case. I have a feeling that past experiences are holding me back. This is a disappointing revelation, since I thought that I had made some really good progress over the past few years. I might have also been deluding myself all this time, thinking that I was perfectly okay with being on my own. Maybe I'm not. But, as it turns out, the fears are still there. The fear of allowing someone in and then watching them crush me. The fear of seeing more than there actually is. The fear of being blind to the obvious.
So what do I do?
Let's try something new. I want to be as brave as possible. I want to leave the past behind and look forward. I want to be okay with things, whether they work in my favour or not.
New Friend, this is me, with as much truth as I can muster. I know there's a lot to go through, so no rush. I hope you'll know me better in the end. And I hope you're okay with me mentioning you here.
"Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die, you gotta get up and try and try and try"
Friday, February 15, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
He's A Debt-Free Hobo
Doesn't that sound like a ridiculous country song? The thing about country music (of which, admittedly, I'm not a fan) is that it's supposed to be based on something real. In my case, it's pretty accurate.
Suddenly and out of nowhere, I've become acquainted with a hobo. Well, he's actually a really good friend of mine who, through a series of unfortunate events, has no fixed address and carries all of his belongings in two bags. At the same time, through the same series of events, he came into a sum of money that essentially makes him debt-free. So what does he do? He elevates himself from a local hobo to a full-fledged transient. As of today, he'll be riding the rails from one end of the country to the other for the next two months, with periodic stops across the border.
I'm still trying to process the situation. I've known him to be a nomad for some time now. Going to school in Montreal, randomly moving to Vancouver, periodically traipsing around the globe. He had settled fairly well back in town for a long time. But things happen, as they tend to do.
The reassuring thought is that he actually has a plan in the works that will hopefully kick in after the two months are up. He's planning on going back to school. Again. The choices are in New England or England. A good choice, either way. I thought he was going to be a serial entrepreneur. I guess he's going to be a professional student instead.
"I've been walkin' these streets so long, singin' the same old song"
Suddenly and out of nowhere, I've become acquainted with a hobo. Well, he's actually a really good friend of mine who, through a series of unfortunate events, has no fixed address and carries all of his belongings in two bags. At the same time, through the same series of events, he came into a sum of money that essentially makes him debt-free. So what does he do? He elevates himself from a local hobo to a full-fledged transient. As of today, he'll be riding the rails from one end of the country to the other for the next two months, with periodic stops across the border.
I'm still trying to process the situation. I've known him to be a nomad for some time now. Going to school in Montreal, randomly moving to Vancouver, periodically traipsing around the globe. He had settled fairly well back in town for a long time. But things happen, as they tend to do.
The reassuring thought is that he actually has a plan in the works that will hopefully kick in after the two months are up. He's planning on going back to school. Again. The choices are in New England or England. A good choice, either way. I thought he was going to be a serial entrepreneur. I guess he's going to be a professional student instead.
"I've been walkin' these streets so long, singin' the same old song"
Saturday, February 09, 2013
I Think He's Trying To Tell Me Something
Snow. Glorious snow. We haven't had this much snow in the city in years. Amazing to see, terrible to drive through. Of course, I was a lazy git and didn't get the snow tires. But no matter, after years of driving Bullitt with all-season radials I've mastered the art of sliding sideways. Of course, Bullitt was a bit bigger than Rudy...
I guided Rudy out onto the main road and into the chaos. You would think that they would plow a major artery by 8:00 am, but alas, not the case. It wasn't as bad as a couple of weeks ago, when the road was sheer ice and I nearly slid into the middle of an intersection. But it was still slippery. To the point where I had everything pointed forwards but still managed some lateral movement. It was in those moments that I noticed a yellow flashing light on my dash. My little car comes equipped with electronic stability control, which I guess is a good thing. But each time I started to slide, this is what would flash rapidly in front of me:
ESC
For a second, it really looked like my car was telling me to "ESCAPE!" And I kind of had this instinctual urge to tuck and roll. But I stuck it out and we made it to work eventually.
My office closed early in the afternoon to allow everyone the chance to get home in one piece. I decided to try and make it to my parents' house. The experience included rolling past jackknifed tractor trailers and creating my own lane on the highway, but all of that was compounded by the unavoidable ice build-up on my wiper blades, making the windshield a smeared mess. I had to keep peering between lines of water and ice. I was really worried at one point because I had some serious visibility issues, but I was almost at my exit. I was going to pull over onto a side street and chip it off. But wouldn't you know it, the moment I got off the highway, the ice fell off the wipers all at once, and I could see again. If only that had happened fifteen minutes sooner.
"Slow down, nothing's gonna disappear, if you give yourself some room to move to the music you hear"
I guided Rudy out onto the main road and into the chaos. You would think that they would plow a major artery by 8:00 am, but alas, not the case. It wasn't as bad as a couple of weeks ago, when the road was sheer ice and I nearly slid into the middle of an intersection. But it was still slippery. To the point where I had everything pointed forwards but still managed some lateral movement. It was in those moments that I noticed a yellow flashing light on my dash. My little car comes equipped with electronic stability control, which I guess is a good thing. But each time I started to slide, this is what would flash rapidly in front of me:
ESC
For a second, it really looked like my car was telling me to "ESCAPE!" And I kind of had this instinctual urge to tuck and roll. But I stuck it out and we made it to work eventually.
My office closed early in the afternoon to allow everyone the chance to get home in one piece. I decided to try and make it to my parents' house. The experience included rolling past jackknifed tractor trailers and creating my own lane on the highway, but all of that was compounded by the unavoidable ice build-up on my wiper blades, making the windshield a smeared mess. I had to keep peering between lines of water and ice. I was really worried at one point because I had some serious visibility issues, but I was almost at my exit. I was going to pull over onto a side street and chip it off. But wouldn't you know it, the moment I got off the highway, the ice fell off the wipers all at once, and I could see again. If only that had happened fifteen minutes sooner.
"Slow down, nothing's gonna disappear, if you give yourself some room to move to the music you hear"
Thursday, February 07, 2013
Abandon Ship
My parents have been going on cruises a lot in their golden years. They have never once planned to go themselves, they just continue to be invited by different groups of friends and relatives. At this point, they've probably circled the globe by boat. They've even been to Antarctica.
2011 was a busy year, cruise-wise. Two weeks after my parents came back from a European cruise, they left for a China cruise. My brothers were left to watch the house and fend for themselves. A few days later, my brother called me and said there was a message from the daughter of our next-door neighbour. She was calling to tell us that her mother had died. I've known her parents my entire life. She died the day after my parents left.
One of my brothers and I went to the visitation to represent our family. A lot of our other neighbours were there. I'm sorry to say that over the years, I didn't really talk to them very much. But it was nice to see them, and that they had noticed my car on occasion. We stayed for a while, talked to the son and daughter (both of whom had moved out of the neighbourhood long before I was born), conveyed our condolences to her husband (who looked really thin and frail, nothing like the round jolly man I had known all my life), and then quietly left.
This past weekend, my parents left for an Australian cruise (stopping in Hong Kong on the way there and back to check on my youngest brother). My middle brother e-mailed me today to tell me that he got a message from the same daughter, saying that our neighbour had passed away, two days after my parents left. When he saw the name on the call display, he literally said to himself, "Not again..."
After his wife died, it wasn't possible for him to live on his own so his family moved him to a nursing home, and the house was (presumably) rented to other people. The obituary said that he passed away peacefully in his sleep. He was 89. His wife was 85 when she died. A long life for both of them. Sadly, she died just before she was about to be a great-grandmother. At least he was able to see his great-grandson.
It's an eerie coincidence, and it brings the idea of mortality back to the forefront of my mind. Maybe my parents shouldn't go on cruises anymore. We're running out of neighbours.
"Oh save me, save me from tomorrow, I don't want to sail on this ship of fools"
2011 was a busy year, cruise-wise. Two weeks after my parents came back from a European cruise, they left for a China cruise. My brothers were left to watch the house and fend for themselves. A few days later, my brother called me and said there was a message from the daughter of our next-door neighbour. She was calling to tell us that her mother had died. I've known her parents my entire life. She died the day after my parents left.
One of my brothers and I went to the visitation to represent our family. A lot of our other neighbours were there. I'm sorry to say that over the years, I didn't really talk to them very much. But it was nice to see them, and that they had noticed my car on occasion. We stayed for a while, talked to the son and daughter (both of whom had moved out of the neighbourhood long before I was born), conveyed our condolences to her husband (who looked really thin and frail, nothing like the round jolly man I had known all my life), and then quietly left.
This past weekend, my parents left for an Australian cruise (stopping in Hong Kong on the way there and back to check on my youngest brother). My middle brother e-mailed me today to tell me that he got a message from the same daughter, saying that our neighbour had passed away, two days after my parents left. When he saw the name on the call display, he literally said to himself, "Not again..."
After his wife died, it wasn't possible for him to live on his own so his family moved him to a nursing home, and the house was (presumably) rented to other people. The obituary said that he passed away peacefully in his sleep. He was 89. His wife was 85 when she died. A long life for both of them. Sadly, she died just before she was about to be a great-grandmother. At least he was able to see his great-grandson.
It's an eerie coincidence, and it brings the idea of mortality back to the forefront of my mind. Maybe my parents shouldn't go on cruises anymore. We're running out of neighbours.
"Oh save me, save me from tomorrow, I don't want to sail on this ship of fools"