Always A Little Different

When I was little, I might have thought about what my wedding would be like.  When I was a teen, I started to think about what marriage meant to me.  These days, when I watch "Say Yes to the Dress" (and I watch that show a lot), I take note of how amazing some of those dresses are, but I never think about being in the same position as those girls.

I'm pretty sure I've covered this ground before, but I feel the need to say it again.  I have nothing against marriage for other people.  I will drop everything and be there to help my friends with any and all aspects of their weddings (dress shopping is still dress shopping, and I'm not bad at it).  I'm genuinely happy for them and wish them all the best.  I know a lot of couples who have been successfully married for years.

For the past few weeks, I've been watching a coworker friend's marriage suddenly and quite rapidly disintegrate in front of his eyes.  Seemingly out of nowhere, his wife announced that she was unhappy with the marriage and wanted to move out.  Now, I absolutely do NOT have the full picture or story, and I am obviously biased because I'm hearing my coworker friend, who I've known for the past 7 years, talk about his wife, who I met once during that entire time.  He's one of the nicest people I know, and I can't even imagine what the problem could be.  Of course, the dynamics of a relationship aren't always seen by the general public.  There was a moment when it seemed like a reconciliation was possible, but then things took a turn for the worse and he admitted today that it's pretty much over.  And now the messy paperwork part begins.  They also have a young son, who's already starting to become affected by this.

My coworker has the dubious distinction of being my first friend to experience the process of divorce.  Over the years I've seen my parents' friends and older relatives divorce, but it was different to me.  It was like being a step removed.  At the same time, not a single one of my friends comes from a broken home.  I've had friends who endured big breakups, but that's not quite the same either.  Shoot, I've endured breakups.  But that's not what turned me off of marriage.

My biggest beef about marriage is the legal bit.  Obtaining "permission", essentially.  And paying for a license.  I understand the necessity of having a license to drive or otherwise operate large machinery.  You need to prove that you know what you're doing.  I understand having a license for a dog or cat.  But the marriage license thing bothers me.  I get that religion plays a really big part in it too.  So are you getting married because you want to, or because you're being told it's socially acceptable to?  Or is it something that we're taught that you're supposed to do when you grow up?

Don't even get me started on equal rights.

I spent part of the afternoon googling "Are humans meant to be monogamous?"  There are a lot of scientific opinions about it, and of course no consensus.  Comparisons between humans and other animals were made.  Evolution also has a huge part in it.  There are statistical differences between how men and women view monogamy, both socially and biologically.  I think the gist of it is that most animals are polygamous because it's a way of ensuring the propagation of the species.  Humans are only different from most primates because of our capacity to associate love with another person.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating promiscuity.  If I've learned one thing about myself, it's that I can't be like that.  I think I'm just always going to be a little different than most people.

My coworker friend was really down today.  I told him that I know two things to be true: things happen for a reason, and it always works out in the end.  I don't know how, but it always does.

"Upon the hill across the blue lake, that's where I had my first heartbreak"

Ten

*Blink*

It boggles the mind sometimes.  Ten years ago today, I started writing.  I've had some interesting thoughts.  I've had some interesting things happen to me and around me.  332 times.

I thought I could retrospectively look at my writings and actually see the change in myself.  Like a time capsule.  Or a montage.  As I read them over again, a couple of things struck me.  First of all, other than a few really vague references and dead links, I was able to relive all of the events that I wrote about.  How it felt as I finished my last exam, or got my first job, or made fun of myself (and others), or lost money (that seemed to happen a lot).  The second thing, and I mentioned this a couple of posts ago, is that through all the years of writing, I could still hear me speaking.  I mean, I felt like I was the same the whole time.  The more things change, the more they stay the same, as they say.

Am I disappointed that I haven't changed?  Even after all the experiences I've had, all the lessons I've learned, and all the mistakes I've made?  I guess it depends on the nature of the change.  I've found that it's really hard to determine if you should be true to yourself and stay as you are, or if you should change to become a better person.  But what is "better"?  And better for who?

Maybe I HAVE changed, and it's just hard for me to see it because I've become whatever I've changed into.  Maybe this is it, and I'm never going to be anything different.  Maybe I still really don't know who I am, or what I want to be, and I need another ten years to figure it out.

The one thing I do know...is that over the years, I've definitely heard some really great music.

"Once said, words make a world of their own"

The Downside of Caring

It's been a frustrating day.  The worst part of it is that I know how it could all have been avoided.

If only I could care less.

That was the underlying theme of the day.  All of the aggravation and emotion would have been non-existent and I could have gone about my day happy as a clam (assuming that clams are happy) if I didn't care.

But I do care.  I care that if someone came to me with a problem, even if I had absolutely no power to do anything about it, I would try to help anyway.  I care that if I see something wrong, I would try to fix it.  I care that even if someone else made the mistake, I would correct it.

I can't help it.  It's in my nature.  I catch myself doing it all the time.  Sometimes it's crazy how quickly I will drop whatever I'm doing in order to assist someone else.

I guess my parents gave me the right name after all.

"Heaven holds a sense of wonder, and I wanted to believe that I'd get caught up when the rage in me subsides"

Back In The Saddle

Life's full of setbacks.  Everyone knows this.  Me especially.  The important thing is what you can take away from it.  This time around, by some miracle, I feel like I've actually learned something about me.

I can't believe it's taken this long for my instincts to kick in.  For once, I actually saw something coming.  I'm going to take this as a really good sign for the future, that I'm going to be okay.

I was also right about something that I had long suspected about myself.  I just can't be random.  I can't do it.  I need to build a base, do research, overanalyze.  It makes things more difficult, but what else can I do?  At least during this process, I've figured out some things that I should and shouldn't do.  For next time.

This past weekend, my coworker watched as her 11-year-old daughter was thrown head first from a horse that was taking a jump a little too aggressively.  This was her daughter's first show where she was competing in jumping.  Luckily, her daughter was fine.  The more important thing was that she hasn't been turned off of riding.  My coworker told her daughter, "Everyone experiences one big fall.  This was yours."  So true.

"May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on"